March 18, 2017 Office Hour Recording

Sexuality Topics

Full recording of the March 18 office hour for discussion of questions and themes related to the course content of Enhancing Sexual Intimacy and The Art of Desire.

If you want to listen to the March 18 Sexuality Office Hour from start to finish, play the above recording.

For listeners who prefer to browse -- to read the questions and selectively listen to their responses -- the individual questions in the above recording have also been extracted into separate segments below for easier browsing.

Note that the content is the same. There is no content in the above full recording that is not also found below, and vice versa.

We are functional parents and partners, but the affection and intimacy is very limited in our marriage.  I was the higher desire partner in the beginning with little reciprocity, but now my desire levels have dropped. I suffer from lower testosterone and some mild depression that may be factors. I am wondering what you recommend?  How can I overcome and be happier in the relationship?

In 15 years of marriage my wife has had a very negative view of sex.  She has been very rejecting of my desire and I have therefore had a very negative response to my sexuality, seeing my sexuality as evil / disgusting and seeing my wife as more righteous.  Now that my wife is opening up to sexuality, I am having a difficult time reversing my own relationship to sex. One side effect of this is losing trust in my wife and distrusting her changes.  I am finding it awkward to be with her.  Is there a way to open up again?  

I am considered the high desire partner.  We have a dynamic where my wife controls whether or not we have sex (as the lower desire person).  I never say no when she initiates because it might devastate her, but I don't like the fact that she has so much control.  How do I deal with the resentment I feel over my lack of control?

How do I balance my sexuality in my relationship?  I want to feel sexy and be flirty, but his desire kind of trumps any space in which I can feel these feelings.   He also thinks I am initiating whenever I am being affectionate.  How should we handle this?

Whose need is greater?  My husband's need for sex or my need for space?  How do we each put our spouse's needs first?  I'm sick of giving in and he's sick of not getting sex when he needs it.

My husband needs sex to feel reassured about our relationship.  He tells me it is not about the sex, it's about feeling close to me, but it seems that only sex makes him feel secure. 

I recently had a positive sexual experience with my husband and right after orgasm broke into tears.  These were not happy tears---these were tears of despair.  I cried for a long time and I have no idea why.  And I couldn't stop it.  Sometimes this kind of sadness is therapeutic, but I was agitated and confused for days afterwards.  I don't know how to make sense of it.  Can you help?

 I often react negatively to my husband's (and sometimes my children's) touch. I've been working on receiving from my husband, and I recently chose to receive touch "neutrally".  This was discouraging to my husband as he felt it as rejection.  This surprised me.  How should I act?

You talked in previous office hours about sharing fantasies.  This struck fear in my heart.  My husband is a recovering porn addict.  How do I distinguish between his desires and desires informed by porn?  We are both afraid of his desires and are afraid focusing on them will make him be more lustful.  What is your advice?

After 8 years of orgasm-less sex I finally learned how to orgasm through touching myself.  The problem is my spouse.  He is shockingly uninterested in actually giving to me sexually in a way that would feel good to me.  He is very sympathetic as long as I am sexually broken or unsatisfied.  What should I do?