June 30, 2017 Office Hour Recording

Sexuality Topics

Full recording of the questions from the June 30 office hours for themes related to the course content of The Art of Desire and Enhancing Sexual Intimacy.

If you want to listen to the June 30 Sexuality Office Hour from start to finish, play the above recording.

For listeners who prefer to browse -- to read the questions and selectively listen to their responses -- the individual questions in the above recording have also been extracted into separate segments below for easier browsing.

Note that there is no question in the above full recording that is not also found below, and vice versa. They are recordings of the same office hour.


Question #1

I'm the lower-desire partner in our marriage, and my desire is often quite low, I think because I have little time to myself as a mother of young children. One thing that helps me boost my desire is to read novels with some romance in them (the steamier, the more effective, I have noticed).

I have a couple questions about this approach...

1. Do you consider such books pornography? It seems to benefit my marriage in that it raises my libido, so my husband appreciates it and encourages it, but I hate to flirt with anything that might be considered pornographic or could potentially cause harm to our relationship.

2. If you do consider such novels appropriate, sometimes after reading such a novel, I find myself thinking of the characters in the book during our intercourse, rather than standing my husband and me in for the characters. I assume that doing so is not ideal for our relationship. Is it harmful? Can you speak to that a little bit?


Question #2

ISSUES OF ATTRACTION : Two questions

FIRST QUESTION

I have taken your Art of Desire course, and am currently taking your Relationship course. I am having trouble with the role physical attraction plays in marriage.

My husband tells me that if my body changes (i.e. if I get fat or develop cellulite etc.) he will still love me, he just won't be attracted to me any more. That, obviously, sounds like a terrible marriage to have so I feel extremely anxious about how I look, especially now that I had our fifth child 8 weeks ago. I love having sex with him, and have plenty of desire, but the thought of him seeing me naked right now, when my body is still getting back to normal, makes me anxious enough to want to avoid sex altogether. Sex is always the best for both of us when I feel confident and uninhibited instead of worried and insecure. He wants me to get breast implants because mine have changed after having kids, and I am so anxious to hurry up and get it done asap because i hate that he is more attracted to all the breasts we see on tv, movies, social media etc. than mine.

I know that being attracted to other women is a normal part of his sexuality, so how can I reduce my insecurity around it? He is a wonderful husband and this really is the only persistent problem that I just can't seem to get my head around in our 13 years of marriage so far.

SECOND QUESTION

My husband has recently gained quite a bit of weight, and I don’t feel as attracted to him as a result.  I don’t want to sound judgmental because he is a handsome man and a good person, but I worry about his health and simply want to be more attracted to him physically.

My second question is that my husband is quite messy.  I’m his opposite.  I have tried to ease up on my standards of cleanliness and order and also just pick things up and don’t keep a mental list as I probably did in the past.  It’s difficult not to harbor some frustration when I feel like I am constantly cleaning and picking up after my husband almost as much as I am picking up after our young children.


Question #3

I am a woman who doesn't orgasm during sex, so our sexual relationship is focused around him.  I find great pleasure in being with him, etc., but lately the crux has been that even for him "I can't enjoy being with you if I feel like I'm not giving and seeing you enjoy what I so badly want you to have," which puts more pressure.


Question #4

My wife struggles with feelings of anger after learning about my pornography use. I have not used pornography for a year but she fears any day I will come forward again and tell her I am looking at pornography again. She gets overwhelming feelings of
"I don't know who my husband is" at times. Most family or church members tell her to apply the atonement which she thinks she has tried but she still has deep seated feelings of anger. How can she be freed from the anger and resentment she feels?


Question #5

I am taking the Art of Desire class. I think it is awesome and informative, but I am having a hard time applying all the information to make real changes.

I identify with looking to my husband for validation. However, instead of trying to hide parts of myself from him, I feel like I spill my guts (all my insecurities, weaknesses, disappointments, failures) TOO frequently. I then look to him to tell me that I am silly to think all of those things, and that I am actually doing great (which he always does). He is very kind and is always encouraging me to find validation and confidence in myself. So, I don't feel like I am suppressing myself or my desires, I literally just don't know what they are. I feel that way in every aspect of my life - college major, career, hobbies... I just don't have a clue what I want! Everyone always says "what does your gut tell you" or "you know what it is you are just afraid" and I am like, nope. Not there. There have been a few major life things that I have been positive I wanted (mission, marrying my husband, having a baby), but other than that I go blank. I will say, it is easier for me to find those answers when I am alone. My husband is deployed right now and I'm finding self-development, setting goals, etc much easier.

I don't consciously resent him for needing this validation, so I can't figure out why my desire decreased gradually from the time we got married 2.5 yrs ago. Maybe it is sub-conscious? Long story short, I just don't know what it is I can work on to improve my lack of desire - which manifests itself as repulsion, boredom, and annoyance with sex.

 


Question #6 

My husband and I are loving your course. Married for 8 years. We just finished session 3. We are working on our sexual relationship (obviously) we are the classic low desire woman high desire male. My husband struggles with rejection by me when he asks to spend time with me intimately and I would rather not. He has gotten to the point where he doesn't want to ask anymore for fear of rejection. I am working on myself and learning a lot about my sexuality- but we are wondering/ how does he get over that rejection that he's felt towards me in the past and how can our desires be more in sync (I know they'll never be perfectly in sync) but how do we do this?


Question #7

I am just starting the course and am very excited! I think one of my hardest things to do is to turn off my brain during sex and not let every little thing distract me. I am sure I will get to some tips in the course but how can I not let outside factors turn me off so quickly?


Question #8

I often feel zero sexual desire and apathy toward that lack of desire. I try to explain to my husband that I love him and am attracted to him. I just don't care much for sex. This doesn't make sense to him and he feels rejected and lonely. What can I do?